health
R.E.S.P.E.C.T. – find out what it means to me. 🎵
This well-known song from Aretha Franklin popped into my head as I thought about being intentional about showing respect for one another in relationships.
Respect is key for maintaining healthy relationships. It is about considering others' feelings and treating people the way we want to be treated ourselves. It applies to the small interactions in everyday life as well as to respecting someone's dreams, desires and needs. Scenarios of disrespect are honestly countless. It can appear everywhere.
In our key relationships I think it takes a bit of exploring to find out how the other person feels respected as it is also captured in the song line: “R.E.S.P.E.C.T – find out what it means to me.” It is in the seemingly insignificant, small moments and details of the hustle and bustle of everyday life we find out how can show our respect or lack thereof.
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When respect is lacking, whether because of busyness, indifference or ignorance, (or another reason) little foxes start creeping in that can hinder our relationship with each other.
Song of Songs describes this perfectly:
“Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming.” (Song of Songs 2,15 ESV)
The Passion Translation commentaries to this verse talks about how these “foxes” are the compromises that are hidden deep in our hearts. These are areas of our lives where we have not yet allowed the victory of Christ to shine into. The foxes keep the fruit of his Spirit from growing within us.
The scripture suggests that an otherwise blossoming relationship (whether with God or man) can be ruined if all these little foxes are allowed to mess with what has been planted of beautiful seeds in our garden of love.
If you have felt the convicting voice of the Holy Spirit about an attitude to confront within yourself towards someone, whether it be a one time event or more of a festered attitude that has crept in, below are a few suggestions that might help you practically take steps towards showing and having respect for someone.
- Ask the person a question every day
A question shows interest and a willingness to hear the person’s point of view. Ask the person a question every day for a few weeks about something you have wondered about in the bible, about cooking, technology or whatever area that person is good at or where you might have shut their voice down previously. The person might shy away from the question the first days if there has been a pattern of you not listening and showing respect beforehand. Just keep asking their help with humility until he/she gains the confidence to step into that area and trust you are listening and respecting their point of view. By doing this, you will empower and encourage the person to gain confidence in what they are good at. Return the favour and ask how you can help them too.
- Give thanks for the differences
It is simple and yet powerful when we start giving thanks in prayer and in person for the different strengths another person has. At first we might give thanks begrudgingly, but with time our view will change and we will start seeing the differences as strength. This is definitely a continual exercise.
- Hope for the future
Whether you have discerned there is someone you need to forgive in your heart, confront in love or work on respecting by asking questions and giving thanks, believe there is hope for the future! There is hope for you! There is hope for you to grow in forgiveness and grace. There is hope for you to grow in asking and listening as a way of showing respect. There is hope for you to be thankful in all things. There is hope for you to discern what is the right application for your situation.
I believe in you, so does Jesus!
Love,
Sandra.
(To clarify: When talking about respect, I am not talking about empowering bad or sinful behavior. In those cases I believe respect looks like either confronting the truth of the hurtful behaviour wrapped in love, or it is to bear over and forgive. Sometimes we will need outside help from a trusted pastor, mentor or counselor to do this. We might not get it right every time, but I believe we can grow in dealing with these cases in a healthy way by God’s grace.)
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Dip your toe in the water
Me. Myself. I. Words that normally would equal selfish to me! But I think there is actually more than one side to these words! They might have gotten too bad of a rap.
This post is some thoughts on how it can be easy to neglect ourselves in the name of selflessness! Thus avoid all that has to do with self so we can be selfless people, living for others. I know at least this lie has lived inside of me!
But I want to learn from Jesus who is the perfect example of being truly connected to His true identity as the Son of God. In order for me to walk in His footsteps and look like Him more and more, I realise how okay it is to know myself - strengths and weaknesses - so that I can be loved and embraced, with flaws and all.
It is also great to be self-aware (without being consumed by self-consciousness) so I can see parts of me I have orphaned, parts that still need the healing touch of Christ, and also to the rejoice over the parts of my self that Jesus' love has transformed.
Me, myself and I are therefore not to be shameful words which need to be avoided in the pursuit of being selfless! I think Augustine had a good point when he wrote in Confessions:
“How can you draw close to God when you are far from your own self?”
My own self is what needs to be honestly engaged in my relationship with God and others. Otherwise the relationship is just hypocrisy. Without engaging my own - at times - selfish, fleshly self, I live without wholeheartedness, not fully alive and just numb. A way I have lived but refuse to live anymore.
Instead I am waking up and rising up to the challenge of becoming aware of where numbness creeps into my life.
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'Cause to live from the inside out, wholeheartedly, I need to be curious about the movements of my heart. My heart from where life flows. It is all about emotionally healthy spirituality. It's about truth and understanding. Of myself and others.
As I have begun dipping my toe in the water - into the depths of my own soul - I have found help in different tools.
First of all, community with fellow believers and seeing myself reflected in the pages of the bible, that's a no-brainer!
But tools like the Enneagram and Meyers Briggs (Use whatever tool you trust and unlock something in your heart) have also had impact on my ability to get aware of my own blind spots.
Used wisely, tools like these are not to put myself in a box but rather to help me break out of them. They can truly help turn blind spots into sweet spots. In cooperation with the Holy Spirit, they can serve as ways to get curious...
They can reveal how I go about a problem and why I go about a problem like I do.
What's my go-to defense mechanism?
What makes me tick?
What am I hiding behind?
We need to be willing to observe our resistance to reality and our attachment to our old self. It is all about taking off the old to lay hold of the new life Jesus has for us.
"We have to be whole to be wholehearted, and reclaim and reconnect with the parts of ourselves we have orphaned." (Brene Brown)
It is so sad to think about how we orphan parts of ourselves!
I have orphaned myself at times because I have been terrified of being a separate self, an individual who must assert myself against others. I would often rather melt and merge into someone else or quietly follow my idyllic daydreams. This default to hide is not awesome. Also, I can easily feel over responsible for others and under responsible for myself.
Therefore I have to be aware of this pattern that when orphaned turn into numbing out and people pleasing where I unconsciously communicate, "Sorry for taking up space! Sorry for breathing!"
Thankfully, I do not have to stay this way!
When I begin to have a grace culture for my own heart, everything has permission to rise to the surface! Also all the nasty stuff! When light invades in to the dark corners of my soul, I can then - and first then - fruitfully light up the darkness around me. Therefore we should not fear digging deep!
We do not look inside to be introspective or to overanalyse ourselves to pieces. That will just turn out to be super overwhelming! We cannot fix or heal ourselves. Instead, we engage the Spirit to do His work in us.
Step by step, little by little, I trust our love will overflow more and more, and that we will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. (Phil 1,9 NLT)
Getting to know ourselves that we might know God is the discipleship work of a lifetime!
So - dive in.
Explore.
Go ahead and dip a toe in the water! YOU are important.
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